Codependency Briefly Defined
Author: Barbara Reade, MS, LCPC, 2015
Codependency is often referred to as a relationship problem. In the past, it has been most commonly applied to relationships with alcoholics, drug addicts, and/or their families. Codependency is an issue that affects people’s relationships, but the problem is not within the relationship itself. The difficulty lies in the beliefs, feelings, and actions a person experiences within a relationship that causes unneeded pain and frustration.
Codependency does exist as a problem-laden belief system within all people who are challenged by addictions. The main symptom of “dependency” is apparent as someone shows over reliance on a person, substance, or process (i.e. activity, such as gambling or sex addiction). Instead of having a healthy relationship with self, a person makes something or someone else more important. Over time, a person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions revolve around that other person, activity, or substance, and one increasingly abandon’s relationship with the true self.
Recovery entails a 180-degree reversal of this pattern in order to reconnect with, honor, and act from the true self. Healing develops the following characteristics:
Change is not easy but definitely worthwhile. It takes time and involves these four steps:
For more information please call Barbara Reade, MS, LCPC
Author: Barbara Reade, MS, LCPC, 2015
Codependency is often referred to as a relationship problem. In the past, it has been most commonly applied to relationships with alcoholics, drug addicts, and/or their families. Codependency is an issue that affects people’s relationships, but the problem is not within the relationship itself. The difficulty lies in the beliefs, feelings, and actions a person experiences within a relationship that causes unneeded pain and frustration.
Codependency does exist as a problem-laden belief system within all people who are challenged by addictions. The main symptom of “dependency” is apparent as someone shows over reliance on a person, substance, or process (i.e. activity, such as gambling or sex addiction). Instead of having a healthy relationship with self, a person makes something or someone else more important. Over time, a person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions revolve around that other person, activity, or substance, and one increasingly abandon’s relationship with the true self.
Recovery entails a 180-degree reversal of this pattern in order to reconnect with, honor, and act from the true self. Healing develops the following characteristics:
- Authenticity
- Autonomy
- Capability of being intimate
- Integrated and congruent values, thoughts, feelings, and actions
Change is not easy but definitely worthwhile. It takes time and involves these four steps:
- Abstinence. Abstinence or sobriety is necessary to recover. A person must learn to bring attention back to themselves, learning to trust, validate, and question the self appropriately in social situations and internal processes.This means a person learns to live according to their own values/true self. One learns to meet ones own needs in a way that honors both self and others.. A person learns to move away from abuse, and becomes empowered to live a healthier life.
- Awareness. This is the hallmark to recovery from addiction to people, places, things, or substances. Moving from denial to really seeing these tendencies in the self is often a difficult part of recovery. First one needs to be able to see both their weaknesses and their strengths. This type of balanced view of self helps those in recovery to finally gain more genuine self esteem, and healthy self love.
- Acceptance. Healing essentially involves the action of self-acceptance. This is not only a step, but a life-long journey. People come to therapy to change themselves, not realizing that the work is about accepting themselves. A long quoted saying in this field is: “What you resist, persists.” As a person becomes more aware of all aspects of self this requires the ability to accept self, without self judgement or criticism, simply realistically observing ones strengths and limitations. This is maturity. This kind of acceptance opens the doors of possibility and change. New ideas emerge that previously were stifled by destructive self judgement.
- Action. Awareness without action cannot produce new results. In order to grow, self-awareness and self-acceptance must be accompanied by new behavior. This involves taking risks and venturing outside the comfort zone that has been comfortable. This means many things including setting healthier boundaries with self and others., Instead of expecting others to meet all ones needs and make one happy, the healthy person learns to take actions to meet these needs, and do things that create self-fulfillment and satisfaction. With this change, step by step a stronger and more confident self emerges.. Becoming assertive is one of the most powerful tools in recovery. Assertiveness is the ability to set limits and honor both self and others. You get to be the author of your own life.
For more information please call Barbara Reade, MS, LCPC