Counseling Services of Barbara Reade, L.C.P.C.
Bel Air, Maryland 21014

Phone: 410-803-1510

Email: reade.lcpc@yahoo.com

UNLOADING YOUR EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE-

WHERE TO BEGIN

By Barbara Reade, M,S., L.P.C.

Licensed Professional Counselor

All rights reserved, copyright 1997

Each person comes to life as a unique, special individual. Each person has special gifts, strengths, and weaknesses that go together to make up the type of decisions they make, lifestyle they choose, and path they take in life.

So - as we begin looking at the issues of EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE STEP ONE is to recognize that each of us will have a different and unique way of finding our own answers about how to unload the baggage.

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RULE #1-HONOR YOUR UNIQUENESS!

Remember as you hear the information today, that you look at what is being told through your own, unique “filter” of the world.  This ‘filter’ is made up of:

          1-Your life experiences and how they have influenced your opinions and attitudes for today

          2-Your individual personality and temperament

          3-Your present interests and the day to day influences in your life now

          4-The choices you’ve made that have gotten you to where you are today

          5-The occurrences that have happened to you that were beyond your control that have helped to shape who you are today

          6-Your education

          7-Your career and priorities you have set because of this

          8-The family you grew up in

          9-The family environment you live in, or don’t live in today

          10- Other-(add these according to your own experience)

To begin to unload your baggage you first have to become CLEARLY aware of what this baggage is. This is not always as easy or simple a task as it might sound. Let me give you an example.  Someone came into my office one day and said, “ I’m unhappy because I never have a successful love relationship.  The people I meet and date never seem to be able to commit to anything serious.  So I want you to help me figure out how I can start picking the right people for once!”

This sounds pretty simple on the surface, at least to the person sitting across from me.  They just want to learn how to pick  people who can commit to a relationship rather than people who can’t.

And I’m sure the next thing they would like to hear would be something like,” Join this club, or start going to this church, or develop a hobby, or go take a course where you might meet someone.” And that perhaps I could tell them exactly what group to go to, or course to take, that would get them to where they need to be to meet Mr. or Ms. Right.

It would be wonderful if that was the case. My job would be easy-and the lives of the people coming to me would be allot easier too. But--unfortunately---the answers are not usually so simple or clear, at first.  The good news though, is that they are discoverable.!

Lets say your situation is a little different. My guess is that most people reading this have been through a bad relationship, that has ended, and cased some significant pain in their lives. Whether it be a relationship from childhood that they are dealing with, or a recent adult relationship, the pain is there, the memories are there, and the Baggage is there, and just won’t go away.

Most of us can tell when our baggage won’t leave. We get emotional ‘symptoms ’that won’t leave.

For some people it means intense sadness. For others it means feeling irritated or angry, in ways that are unusual for us normally. Or a feeling of low self esteem.  Or lack of interest in the things you usually like to do. For some it means sleeplessness, or wanting to sleep too much.  For some folks it becomes more intense, crying that won’t stop, a fear of leaving the house,  or a fear of dating anyone ever again. Some people experience the need to isolate, to shut themselves off from others.  Others seek intense new relationships, immediately, to substitute for the loss they feel.  Some can’t tolerate being alone.  Often I see people who have become what ‘looks’ like ‘hyperactive’. They have replaced their pain with being busy, so busy they don’t have time to feel or think about the pain.  Certain people choose alcohol or drugs as the way to not feel the pain.  And sometimes people begin to have behaviors like talking incessantly, or cleaning the house over and over, even after it is clean, or checking the doors to make sure they are locked, 10 times each evening.

Each of us has our own special set up, our own special set of mechanisms, that we employ when we are in pain.  These mechanisms allow us to ‘take a break’ from bad feelings. They give us some time off, some time to escape. They give our minds a rest. And often a much needed rest.

The problem, often, though, with these mechanisms, is that although they help us get way from the pain, they don’t help us solve the problem.  It would be healthy if we used these mechanisms ‘just enough’ to give our minds and hearts a break so we could come back refreshed, with energy to solve whatever the underlying problem is.

However, many people have a hard time doing this.  More often than not, we start using these mechanisms as a way to live, and they become habit. When this happens we have stopped looking at the cause of our unhappiness, and instead, are using ‘replacement strategies’ to get by. But this isn’t really living.  If we really take a look at ourselves, in these times, what we will see is that we don’t feel like ourselves. Life feels ‘out of kilter’, not as good as it usually does. Or at least we are aware that we want something more, and it is lacking at the moment.  This kind of awareness is a great gift.  For those who are courageous enough to recognize how they feel, that life doesn’t feel as good as it could, this awareness can open the door to learning the real meaning for your life, to the beginning of creation of a type of life that may be even more than you ever anticipated.

The journey is exciting, not always easy, and totally worthwhile if you choose to allow yourself to take part in this incredible opportunity.

Often people hesitate, right at this point.  The unspoken question, frequently, is ,”what will happen to me and my life, if I decide to really get to know what I’m about, really find out what I want in life, and really begin to pursue that direction.” And closely aligned is the question,” what if what I find out is different from the expectations that my friends  and/or family have of me. What would I do then? What road would I take?” And there is the unspoken FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN and FEAR OF CHANGE. Both of these are closely related to the questions above, and usually found in the next sentence or two of thought.

These are significant questions. VIQ’s (VERY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS!!)

RULE #2-COME TO KNOW WHAT MAKES YOU AFRAID OF CHANGE & DEVELOP SOME STRATEGIES TO COPE WITH THE FEAR!

It is important to realize that if you want to “unload your baggage” you are talking about doing some change work.  Some change work on yourself, your heart, your feelings, your thoughts, behaviors, and maybe even some of your long held beliefs. It IS NORMAL to wonder if you really want to do this. IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL THE FEAR. But if you really want to make some changes, now, in your life, know that you can. What you may need at this point is just some TOOLS FOR COPING WITH THE FEAR. Here is a short TOOL LIST that can help you get started:

1) Face the pain.

          Running from pain will only make it feel worse later on.

This running response reminds me of  an experience I had at the age of 3. While dashing across the driveway to go see a friend in another yard I tripped and fell. I fell into a pile of broken glass and poison ivy. The gash in my knee needed stitches, so I was rushed to the hospital and that ordeal was undertaken. This was bad enough, I thought, but the harder part was still to come. Each day the bandage had to be removed, peeled off, removing scabs, etc. in the process. That daily routine was very painful.  I never wanted to have it done. I hated it. Probably, deep down, I wasn’t sure I’d live through the pain, especially in the early days of the wound healing. But I had No choice. I had to find a way to get through the pain and get to the other side.  I had to face the pain and come through on the other side. So at a very young age I was given the opportunity to learn that I could do this, and I would survive.

I think this is like the challenge each of us faces, when we face the need to change ourselves, even at times when we would rather not have to.  We can avoid the issue, avoid the subject, dress it in other clothes so we don’t know what ‘it’ is anymore, or just plain run from it.  But if we could remember our own ability to cope with change, in the times we have in the past, we would all see we can, again.  And-that whatever fear we feel about change, we can get through, and come out WINNING on the other side.

The next step to this process deals with what you do after you have prepared yourself to truly move forward.

2) Walk through the pain.

This step many of us will avoid at all costs. Whatever the pain is we may avoid it by blaming others for it (Example:“ HE broke up with me-it’s all his fault-he ruined my life-life will never be the same again”-sometimes this is the head-chatter that comes with this.)  If we blame others for our emotional pain there can be NO emotional healing.

Why-you may ask? The answer is fairly basic. If we blame others we have given away our own ability to be in control of our own lives. I can choose to let others DETERMINE HOW I FEEL  or--the good news is---I can become in charge of this myself.  If  I put myself in charge of my own feelings, to a situation, no situation can overwhelm me, or at least not for long!  If I get into the habit of being in control of how I respond and feel about how others are around me, then I can move beyond these circumstances, and allow my life to be more full.

As I take control of my responses to others, I can begin to shape my own destiny, more and more. How is this possible?

Here’s an example. When I was a classroom teacher, sometimes I would walk into the room, and find almost every child in a bad mood, all day long. Particularly at finals week, this was often the case.  Now, since the people who were around me all day were children, they could have had a significant impact on the way I thought felt, and behaved, all day, and each day.  That meant if their day was up, so was mine. If their day was down, so was mine.  Since I taught 11-13 year olds, who experience wide and drastic mood swings as part of normal adolescent development, I didn’t need to let that be in charge of the way I felt each day.  If I did my days would be as chaotic as these children’s were.

I had to realize that no matter what the feelings were around me I didn’t have to REACT to their feelings words, or behaviors, in a way that would be negative for me or my ‘way of being ‘ in the world.

I could blame these children for my poor mood when their days were bad, or I could find a different answer. I could blame them for the discomfort I felt, when they were having a bad day, or I could decide to not react,  but RESPOND to their ways of being.

How do you do this, you might ask?  First, HONOR your own feelings. If you are mad, sad, feeling bad, glad, or whatever, just notice and honor this. If the feeling is not one you want to stay with REALIZE you can choose to have a different response.

We can’t change the way we automatically feel in situations. That’s just us, part of our own unique human nature. But we can always re-decide if we want to remain FEELING and thinking that way.  We always have the option of making a different choice, once we look at the situation, and see what we really want to do with it, and how we really want to be in it.

THIS IS THE CUTTING EDGE. THIS IS THE STATE OF THE ART OF CHANGE-the willingness to say

“THIS IS MY CHOICE. I CAN CHOOSE TO STAY WHERE I AM ON  THIS    OR I CAN CHOOSE TO CHANGE HOW I THINK, FEEL, AND BEHAVE IN         THIS SITUATION”

Understanding this is the key to true change. It may not sound earth shattering to you.  But as you begin to realize all the choices you truly have, in each situation you face, daily, in your life, this idea becomes incredibly powerful.

If you were to live in a way where you consciously chose each thing you did during the day, just think--how would your life be or become different??

This is powerful, I’ll warn you now, and repeat it again. Because it’s that important! This is the key to great success and great change.

What does this have to do with “going with the pain”? Once you really know that you choose to have the pain, then you begin to become “liberated” from having to continue to have the pain.

Once you decide to have the courage to walk through the pain, and then really see that it is your choice to have it and continue to have it, your options are endless for healing and growth!

There is a warning to this too though.  Please be careful not to blame yourself or let anyone else blame you for feeling the pain you feel. Your pain is a gift. It is a warning signal that tells you to “take notice”. It tells you it’s time to get to know yourself just a little bit better, and that it’s time to make some important changes. If you listen to the pain, honor the pain, learn to go with the pain, and let the pain teach you, you will learn a depth and wisdom, for your life, you may have never known was possible.

And as you let yourself feel the pain, and move through it, you will stop being stuck in it. This is the greatest gift of all. To find the way to feel free from the pain. And you can.  But it takes work, it takes, patience, it takes wanting to REALLY learn how to take care of yourself well, and it takes willingness to grow and change.

So-what is “letting go of your emotional baggage?” 

What does that really mean?

Emotional baggage is the pain, the hurt, the distress that we feel that does not leave easily. It gets stuck inside us, often takes up residence(!) and then begins to heavily influence and affect our lives. Usually it does this in ways that we wish did not occur. It may be affecting our jobs, our relationships with our friends, our family, our children, or just our general life goals and plans.  It can make people immobilized, it can stop the natural positive progress of your life. It can become quite serious for some. It can cause addictive and or compulsive behaviors, unwanted emotions and other unpleasant repercussions.

The way to handle it is to face it. To name it, clearly define it, honor it rather than wanting to hide it, or stomp it out.  Then we need to begin to learn what the important gifts and lessons are that are embedded in this  ‘baggage’.  There are nuggets of truth that we are needing, so we need to take the time to find out what they are. 

And as we do this we grow, mature, become more wise, and more in tuned with ourselves, our world and others.  When this happens the world does begin to open it’s arms to us more. For as we understand ourselves better, as we grow in wisdom, we have more to give. And as we share, our lives become enriched greatly.

Ultimately, emotional baggage is one of the most wonderful gifts that we can experience. Sadly, we usually don’t know what to do with it when it greets us for the first powerful time.  Wonderfully, as powerfully bad as emotional baggage may feel to you now, the gifts from it can be as powerfully wonderful in your life.

The question is this--are you ready to learn the gifts that are waiting for you from your “emotional baggage”??