Single Parenting

Single Parenting: After the Divorce

Overcoming the Obstacles

by Barbara Reade, M.S., L.P.C.

LICENSED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR, 1997

Some frequently asked questions:

1) What are some ways to discipline my child in a way that won't cause so much arguing back from him?

          This is probably the question I hear most often as therapist. There are a few steps to use that can make life much easier though.

Step 1:  Make rules simple, to the point, and clear. Let your child know what he IS to do to behave correctly WHEN you remind him of whatever rule you find him breaking.

Step 2:  REWARD your child frequently for GOOD behavior. Tell him what he did correctly and why you appreciated it. This is the most frequently left out step in parenting!

Step 3:  Whenever you tell your child what NOT to do, make sure the next sentence describes in a respectful way what TO DO instead!

2) I really feel upset about some of the rules my "X"  sets for our child when he's at his house. What should I do?

           Avoid being stuck in the middle, between your "X" and your child. If the other parent has made a promise or decision with the child-stay out of it-and realize the other parent will be doing things his or her own way-and it's not yours to try to change or control. That's why you got a divorce! Let the other parent and the child work out the problem together, apart from you.

          (There is only one exception to this rule-and that is if your child is being physically or sexually abused. If that is happening-then that behavior needs to immediately be reported to the police and       the child protected, appropriately!)

3) I want my son to take piano lessons, but my "X" wants him to play baseball.  I don't want my child           becoming a 'jock' like his dad. And I know my child wants to take piano-but he doesn't want his       dad making fun of  him, so he won't tell him. What  do I do?

          Don't take sides against the other parent or speak negatively of him/her. You might help your child to learn how to be more assertive, with his own friends.  And help him to value his own   feelings and thoughts, by showing them respect and honor. With this you will help him learn to     talk to his dad, himself, and stand up for himself, an important lesson that all children need to learn!

          This also gives your child the space to think about and make up his own mind which activity he would like more. Sometimes it's hard to know, with a divorced child, what he really feels. He may agree with whichever parent he is with, sometimes out of irrational fear that they will leave him if he doesn't agree with them. Because of the 'common' dilemma, in divorced families, it's more helpful to teach your child to speak for himself, and help him have the self love and self esteem that will give him strength to do this in whatever situation he may need it in.