Counseling Services of Barbara Reade, L.C.P.C.
Bel Air, Maryland 21014

Phone: 410-803-1510

Email: reade.lcpc@yahoo.com

Grief Work

By Barbara Reade, M.S., L.P.C., copyright 1999

Recovering from loss is a deeply personal experience. Contrary to popular belief, there is no one right way to deal with grief. Each person has their own, unique style of grief.

A few things, however, seem to occur for almost everyone:

1) When one experiences a loss, it is essential for grieving to occur

2) Without the grief process the immune system can become severely compromised

3) Without the grief process the one’s emotional strength and resilience becomes significantly diminished

4) Without the grief process one’s relationships with others, and living itself can become severely dysfunctional

There are 5 stages that all must journey through sometime in the process of grieving. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross first discovered these stages in landmark research with terminal cancer patients, in the 1960’s. This was the first in depth study of the grieving process.

These steps are not necessarily gone through in order. Often people cycle through these stages over and over, each in his or her own way and time.

The stages are:

1-Denial

2-Anger

3-Depression

4-Bargaining

5-Acceptance

In the Denial stage a person finds it hard, if not impossible, to acknowledge the fact that a person has died. Statements like."Oh, I can’t believe it," or "It can’t be true" are common. Disbelief may last a short or long time. Even after people acknowledge a death of someone close, they still may find times when they go back into disbelief.

In the Anger stage the person becomes anger at the departed person, for abandonning them, for leaving too soon, for dieing first, and for any other reason that fits that person’s individual circumstance. Sometimes the anger seems to have no ‘reason for being’, it simply exists. This is important for others to recognize and not take personally. It is a necessary part of helping the grieving person heal. If anger becomes too intense, however, professional help is advised.

Depression, the next stage, comes when the greiving person has a more complete reality-based perspective, realizing that their loved one will not be coming back. Sadness, tears, the feeling of " I can’t go on", are all part of this phase. If a person stays, however, in this phase for too long, it can effect the immune system, a person’s ability to function, and other aspects of a person’s life. But a moderate degree of depression is to be expected.

Bargaining is the stage inwhich the surviving person tries to make a deal with God, Allah, Providence, or other deity to bring the person back to life. In time this phase passes, and the final stage arrives.

The final step, acceptance, usually comes after a number of experiences with each of the other stages. This stage too, can be cycled in and out of. At one point a person may feel they have reached "Acceptance" only to discover weeks or months, or years later, that they still feel anger or depression over the loss of their loved one.

How can you know if a friend or relative’s grieving is healthy or lasting too long, or too intense? If a person becomes or feels suicidal when grieving, then a professional consultation is strongly advised. Although this may be only a passing stage of intense depression, a non professional cannot prperly differentiate this depression from the will to ‘act’. Contact a mental health professional immediately if you face this situation. The same is true of anger. If it is too intense, or self destructive, or harmful to others, professional help should be sought.

What is the normal time period for grief? This varies greatly. For some a few months, for some a few years. But there should be some improvement, in general, of mood over time. If this person usually quickly responds to changes, and seems stuck in the same feelings over and over, professional care may be very helpful. If someone has to stop working, or has significant personality changes, this may be a sign to get help also.

Perhaps the most non-helpful stance a friend can take is to tell someone they should "get over it and move on". This can be extremely damaging. A friend can be much more helpful taking a supportive, non-judgemental role.